First Realizations

It was not a feeling that came up quickly. I like to explain it like a seed.

The idea of fear was planted in me when I begin to worry whether I would be able to keep up a conversation or a friendship.

Then, that seed grew. Every interaction I had, especially with new people and unfamiliar situations seemed to be as challenging as someone asking me to climb list all the numbers of Pi. “What ifs’” raced through my heads, and I worried about all these questions and possibilities, usually ending the spiral with “I shouldn’t even try!” I used sweat while walking into the school halls, my face would turn a bright red when I talked to anyone, and especially people I wanted to like and accept me.

I put extra deodorant on to keep from sweating through my shirts. If I had a good day once, I would reenact my schedule in order to maybe have a good day again. I’d avoided shaking people’s hands so that I wouldn’t have to explain why my hand were clammy.

I thought this was normal. That every one would cross the street to avoid small talk. That everyone looked up online how to keep a conversation going! It took me 4 years to realize that I had anxiety and that a majority of people didn’t have to worry about all these extra thoughts.

Enough was enough. And so, I decided to change my life.

Talking About It

My mom told me I needed to talk to someone about my anxiety before I went looking for further treatments such as medications. I called the same practice that other family members had been to. At first it was weird, giving so much information to a stranger I had met online only a few minutes prior. As I spoke, the therapist wrote things down in his little note book, nodding, but not saying anything in return. Because of this silence, I was a little nervous as I thought I may have overstepped and overshared.

After what felt like an eternity, he looked up, and said, “thank you” for sharing my stories and emotions. And that was it, the call ended and we set up a new time for the following week.

It was uneventful, but it felt good to get things off my chest. It was not as difficult as I had thought; words just fell out of my mouth to the man.

Therapy was not for me. I canceled my next appointment and any others following.

Covid’s Effect

Like in many households around the world, Covid hit hard. My Dad lost his job months prior and had been devoting his time to fixing up our family’s house to go on the market. My Mom had just received a job offer in Massachuets and finalized the purchase of another home in New England six days before the virus really took hold. In the middle of me moving my life around, saying good-bye to all my friends, and packing up my belongings, I found everything coming to a halt.

At first the isolation was very, very annoying. But, I soon began to appreciate not having to stress about seeing people at school or any more sudden changes in my life…every day was the same. As time went on, and the world began to come out from hiding, I started to notice a change in my anxiety. Now since I had not seen people in ages, every interaction was amplified. A pre-pandemic simple wave turned into a million questions about health and life, and those a million questions turned up my anxiety like a volume dial.

I grew so comfortable in my small social circle that I found it difficult to expand it. However, I knew I needed to work on it, as it was only a matter of time before the world went back into full swing. So I pushed through my worries and started to challenge my automatic thoughts.

Automatic thoughts are immediate, irrational, and often negative thoughts that enter our brain in response to a stimulus. An example of these automatic thoughts are:

“I’m gonna embarrass myself if I share XYZ about myself.”

“This is going to be so awkward.”

“They probably hate me and think I am so annoying.”

As you can tell, having these types of thoughts are very damaging to one’s self and can make an anxious person even more anxious. In order to revoke the power these thoughts have over you, try thinking about logic. Ask yourself that if someone else were to look into your brain, would they think those are silly? Or, whether or not that thought makes any sense. Often time when I check my ATs, I find them illogical.

For example:

“I suck at this, I should give up before someone laughs at me.”

No, I just made a mistake, no one will laugh. Everyone messes up at one point in their life, and nothing bad happens! Be forgiving to yourself just as you are to others!

Give yourself a break and think about your automatic thoughts before you give into them.

Managing Stress

Especially during the school year, I find myself feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Whether this is because I have a massive amount of homework, or I have finals coming up, I feel this stress throughout the day, even when I am not at school. It took me some time to come up with a mitigation system that worked for me. Remember, even if this process has worked for my stress levels, it might not be a match for you…and that’s okay!

The main thing I do is work on what’s immediately important. If I have 4 assignments, I work on the one that’s due first. By getting this out of the way, I won’t feel rushed knowing that all my stress is not immediate. Another thing I do is force myself to stop procrastinating. As much as I’d like to say I’m not a horrible procrastinator, I can’t. I procrastinate pretty much everything, and it brings me a lot of stress! To combat this, I make myself sit down somewhere and do my work. Even if I don’t feel like it, I tell myself that I can’t leave this spot until I get my work done. No matter what, don’t get up and get distracted, force yourself to do the work. After, give yourself a reward, either a tv break or time to spend with your friends/family. Eventually you will be better at making yourself do the work, and it will become a habit. I’ve been doing this for about six months, and although it isn’t a huge amount of time, I find it easier for me to do the work once I decide I need to do it. By lowering my stress about all that I have to do, my overall anxiety decreases substantially.

If you want more information on my anti-procrastination work style, visit the link below.

Learning to Live With Anxiety

After a while, I kind of accepted that anxiety is just part of my daily life. Although it is possible for my anxiety to dissipate eventually, I know it isn’t going anywhere for a while. I have two choices, live my life with anxiety or let anxiety live my life for me. I decided that I would not allow my anxiety to control my choices and life. It’s been a hard journey, but with help of my friends, family, counselors, and myself, I’ve been able to manage it.

Here is what works for me:

10 minute rule: If I am feeling too nervous or don’t want to go to an event that I know will be fun, I make myself go for 10 minutes. If in 10 minutes I am not having any fun or still feel overwhelmed, I’ll leave. By doing this, I am able to force myself to go and face my fears, even if I am just going for a little while.

Speaking my worries aloud: Like my previous post about automatic thoughts, this is another trick I use to get out of my head. I say my worries and thoughts out loud to show myself that it doesn’t truly make sense. In your head, a thought can pretty much snowball and take over your mind, but saying it aloud can interrupt that process and make you more aware of the “snowballing.”

Stop drinking coffee: For me, coffee (caffeine in general) can make my anxiety spike. If I know I am doing something later in the day that will make me nervous, maybe a interview or public speaking, I won’t have any coffee. Although I will still have nerves to work through, I won’t have to worry about the caffeine making my stress any worse.

Taking time for myself: You’ll hear this a lot, “take time for yourself and recharge!” And, it’s true! When I get really stressed or overwhelmed, I find time to spend doing relaxing things. Whether this be self-care, watching a movie, or having something yummy, it truly resets my stress and allows me to “check-in” on how I am feeling. After, I tend to be a lot calmer and ready to tackle the obstacles ahead.

Even if these tips work for me, they might not work for you. And that is okay! Find what works for you to manage your stress and if that means doing the exact opposite of what I do, it is perfectly fine! Use this as inspiration, not a checklist. :)

Reflecting On My Journey

It has been years since my journey with anxiety began. At times I’ve felt as if nothing has changed, but when looking back I can see all my progress. I love meeting new people, which I hated before! When surprises happen, I’m no longer scared! I don’t worry about my friends thinking I am annoying. I don’t stress about hard conversations or what I will say. I do stress about school. I do worry about irrational thoughts. I have anxiety about small talk with people who I perceive as important. I get nervous to speak in big groups. My anxiety is not “cured,” but I have improved.

You can too.

Even the smallest step can make a big change in your life.

You’ve got this!

If you don’t know where to start, look at my resources page or contact your nearest professional.