First Realizations

It was not a feeling that came up quickly. I like to explain it like a seed.

The idea of fear was planted in me when I begin to worry whether I would be able to keep up a conversation or a friendship.

Then, that seed grew. Every interaction I had, especially with new people and unfamiliar situations seemed to be as challenging as someone asking me to climb list all the numbers of Pi. “What ifs’” raced through my heads, and I worried about all these questions and possibilities, usually ending the spiral with “I shouldn’t even try!” I used sweat while walking into the school halls, my face would turn a bright red when I talked to anyone, and especially people I wanted to like and accept me.

I put extra deodorant on to keep from sweating through my shirts. If I had a good day once, I would reenact my schedule in order to maybe have a good day again. I’d avoided shaking people’s hands so that I wouldn’t have to explain why my hand were clammy.

I thought this was normal. That every one would cross the street to avoid small talk. That everyone looked up online how to keep a conversation going! It took me 4 years to realize that I had anxiety and that a majority of people didn’t have to worry about all these extra thoughts.

Enough was enough. And so, I decided to change my life.